With best wishes for a wonderful holiday season!
from Sandra, Mike, Colin, Kyle, and Brittany
and the Cavaliers Tilly, Phoebe, Koni, Jasmine, and babies, Kippy the Labra-dog, and Morgan the Senegal parrot!
Please click to go to our family newsletter / Christmas card!

And


And here's some fun reading material!

Technological Christmas Tunes

'Twas the 'Net before Christmas
Santa Claus is modem to town
Up On The Desktop
"Quark", The Herald Angels Sing
Gateway In A Manger
The First AOL
INTEL IT On The Mountain
.COM All Ye Faithful
JAVA Yourself A Merry Little Christmas
Joy To The World Wide Web

Proof Santa must be a Woman - you decide...

I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off! For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.

Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist. Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.

Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
* Men can't pack a bag.
* Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
* Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be seen with all those elves.
* Men don't answer their mail.
* Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
* Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
* Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.
* Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men.........
Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy.
Cupid flies around carrying weapons.
Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers.
Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test.
But not Santa.
Not a chance.                                                                          



Interoffice memo:
To: All Employees
From: Management
Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season

Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council).

1. Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged.
2. Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden. (It runs up an incredible long distance bill.)
3. Egg nog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.
4. Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma's house.
5. All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.
6. Work requests are not to be filed under "Bah humbug."

In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.

Top ten comments made by reindeer during the Christmas flight -

10. "Sheesh! What's he been eating this year? Rocks?"
9. "He shouts all our names all the time, sure, but do you think he really knows which one is which."
8. "I never knew Donner had a tattoo there."
7. "Sure...His seat is a floatation device. What about us?"
6. "Tried those new lite oats?"
5. "Man, I hope we pause on a rooftop soon. I'm beat."
4. "Hey! Watch the antlers, fella!"
3. "Did you hear you-know-who got a nose job?"
2. "You know, after a few thousand miles, these jingling bells are really annoying."
And the number one comment...
1. "So, you want to go someplace afterward for some reindeer games?"


If you see a fat man
Who's jolly and cute
Wearing a beard
And a red flannel suit.		 And if he is chuckling
And laughing away
While flying around
In a miniature sleigh		 With eight tiny reindeer
To pull him along
Then lets face it...
Your eggnog's too strong!


The holiday business traveler:

It was the beginning of December. The trip had gone reasonably well, and he was ready to go back. The airport, on the other hand, had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols. Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good mood.

Going to check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and "pointier" parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.

With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the lady attendant, "Even if I were not married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe."

"Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is."

(pause)

"Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale, which is the place you'd have to step forward for a kiss."

"That's not why it's there."

(pause)

"Ok, I give up. Why is it there?"

"It's there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."

Walk'n In A Doggie Wonderland
(Sing to the tune of "Walking in A Winter Wonderland")

Dogs tags ring, are you listening'?
In the lane, snow is glistening'.
It's yellow, NOT white - I've been there tonight,
Marking up my winter wonderland.

Smell that tree? That's my fragrance.
It's a sign for wand'ring vagrants;
"Avoid where I pee, it's MY property!
Marked up as my winter wonderland."

In the meadow dad will build a snowman,
following the classical design.
Then I'll lift my leg and let it go Man,
So all the world will know it's mine-mine-mine!

Straight from me to the fencepost,
flows my natural incense boast;
"Stay off of my TURF, this small piece of earth,
I mark it as my winter wonderland."

10 Ways To Confuse Santa Claus

1. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

2. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!

3. Build an army of snowmen on the roof, holding signs - "Bah Humbug" and "Santa Unfair To Elves."

4. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.

5. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.

6. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."

7. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.

8. While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.

9. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.

10. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."

Okay, let's talk about some facts and fallacies... Candy canes were not religious in origin, they are just a confection! Visit Snopes' page to read more about it.

Christmas Shopping Tips: A woman's guide to buying gifts for men:

1. When in doubt buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.

2. If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words, "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK, by the way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.

3. If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99 cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. Again, no one knows why.

4. Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes.If Mother Nature had wanted men to wear bathrobes, she wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts.

5. You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.

6. Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will sit in a cupboard for 23 years. Real men drink whiskey or beer.

7. Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after shave or deodorant. We do not stink we are "earthy".

8. Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink. You get the idea. No one knows why.

9. Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin any occasion and he will always have parts left over.

10. Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Beaver Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Canadian Tire Store, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. NAPA Auto Parts and Sear's Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores. It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. ("From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks.")

11. Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100 pound propane tank. Tell him the gas leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants hamburger?"

12. Tickets to a Denver Broncos, Colorado Rockies, Central Texas Stampede games are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows why.

13. Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don't know why please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker.

14. It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.

15. Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least the Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manila rope. No one knows why.

And here are some interesting Christmas traditions!

In Italy they have no Christmas trees, instead they decorate small wooden pyramids with fruit.

An artificial spider and web are often included in the decorations on Ukrainian Christmas trees. A spider web found on Christmas morning is believed to bring good luck.

It is a British Christmas tradition that a wish made while mixing the Christmas pudding will come true only if the ingredients are stirred in a clockwise direction.

A traditional Christmas dinner in early England was the head of a pig prepared with mustard.

Sending red Christmas cards to anyone in Japan constitutes bad etiquette, since funeral notices there are customarily printed in red.

In Norway on Christmas Eve, all the brooms in the house are hidden because long ago it was believed that witches and mischievous spirits came out on Christmas Eve and would steal their brooms for riding.

In Caracas, the capital city of Venezuela, it is customary for the streets to be blocked off on Christmas eve so that the people can roller-skate to church.

CHRISTMAS CAROLS BY ANY OTHER NAME
1. Move hither the entire assembly of those who are loyal in their belief.
2. Embellish interior passageways.
3. Vertically challenged adolescent percussionist.
4. First person singular experiencing an hallucinatory phenomenon of natal celebration devoid of color.
5. Soundless nocturnal period.
6. Majestic triplet referred to in the first person plural.
7. The yuletide occurrence preceding all others.
8. Precious metal musical devices.
9. Omnipotent Supreme Being elicit respite to ecstatic distinguished males.
10. Caribou with vermillion olfactory appendage.
11. Allow crystalline formations to descend.
12. Jovial yuletide desired for the second person singular or plural by the first person plural.
13. Commence auditory reception the announcing cherub vocalize.
14. Kris Kringle will be arriving in the city in the not too distant future.
15. Bipedal traveling through an amazing acreage during the period between Dec. 21 and Mar. 21 in the northern hemisphere.
16. Its arrival occurred at twelve o'clock during a clement nocturnal period.
17. Exclamatory remark concerning a diminutive municipality in Judea, southwest of Jerusalem.

Now please stop here a moment before looking at the answers below...
See how many you can name!

1. O Come All Ye Faithful
2. Deck the Halls
3. Little Drummer Boy
4. I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas
5. Silent Night
6. We Three Kings
7. The First Noel
8. Silver Bells
9. God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen
10. Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer
11. Let it Snow
12. We Wish You a Merry Christmas
13. Hark! The Herald Angels Sing
14. Santa Claus is Coming to Town
15. Walking Through a Winter Wonderland
16. It Came Upon a Midnight Clear
17. Oh, Little Town of Bethlehem

And while we're talking about carols, how about the supposed origins of "Twelve Days of Christmas?!? It really is a secular song, a fun one, but it is not shrouded with (hidden) religious meaning! Visit Snopes' page to read more about it.

Why Santa is a Man!
By Bill Helker

1. Santa lives at the North Pole.
Anyone who has ever dated/married/been in the same room with a woman knows that unless the air temperature is high enough to cook a small turkey, she will complain about it being too cold. So, there is NO way she would choose the North Pole as her base of operations. The Bahamas would be more to her taste.

2. Santa is fat and jolly.
I dare ANYONE to describe ANY woman as "fat and jolly" to her face and expect to survive! If Santa was a woman, and you refereed to her as this, you wouldn't find coal in your stocking, you'd find a pipe-bomb!

3. Santa at the mall.
Now, I know that others have used the "Mall" example as proof that Santa is a woman. However, you see both men and women at the mall. And let me ask you this...What does Santa DO at the mall??? HE SITS DOWN!!! Do you ever see women sitting down at the mall??? Noooo! Women are running around trying to find a dust ruffle that matches the throw pillows on her sister's day-bed! Men sit...Santa sits. 'nuff said.

4. Santa walks around on rooftops.
I don't know about you, but my wife REFUSES to get on the roof! If there is anything to be done up there, she sends me. In fact, I don't think I have EVER seen a woman up on a roof. The fact that Santa is perfectly comfortable walking around on a slippery, angled housetop is further proof that he is a "He!"

5. Santa likes Milk and Cookies.
If Santa were a woman, we'd have to leave Godiva Chocolate and International Foods Flavored Coffee. Or maybe herbal tea. Of course, if she was still sensitive about the whole "Fat and Jolly" thing, she would demand nothing more than a carrot stick and a glass of water.

6. Santa uses the Chimney.
No woman would ever THINK about crawling into a dirty, smelly chimney. A woman would carry a spare set of keys for every house. Of course, this would never work because she wouldn't be able to find them in her purse.

7. Santa has reindeer.
Reindeer are totally for guys; they are big, hairy, smelly, and have huge antlers. A woman would never use them. She would prefer to be driven around in a stretch limo. Or, if she really wanted to use the traditional sleigh, they would have to be pulled by horses. I mean, what is it with women and horses??

And that's why Santa is a man!

Merry Christmas, My Friend

written by Former Marine Corporal James M. Schmidt


Twas the night before christmas,
He lived all alone,
In a one bedroom house made of
Plaster and stone.


I had come down the chimney
With presents to give,
And to see just who
In this home did live.


I looked all about,
A strange sight I did see,
No tinsel, no presents,
Not even a tree.


No stocking by mantle,
Just boots filled with sand,
On the wall hung pictures
Of far distant lands.


With medals and badges,
Awards of all kinds,
A sober thought
Came through my mind.


For this house was different,
It was dark and dreary,
I found the home of a soldier,
Once I could see clearly.


The soldier lay sleeping,
Silent, alone,
Curled up on the floor
In this one bedroom home.

The face was so gentle,
The room in such disorder,
Not how I pictured
A united states soldier.


Was this the hero
Of whom I'd just read?
Curled up on a poncho,
The floor for a bed?

I realized the families
That I saw this night,
Owed their lives to these soldiers
Who were willing to fight.


Soon round the world,
The children would play,
And grownups would celebrate
A bright christmas day.


They all enjoyed freedom
Each month of the year,
Because of the soldiers,
Like the one lying here.


I couldn't help wonder
How many lay alone,
On a cold christmas eve
In a land far from home.

The very thought
Brought a tear to my eye,
I dropped to my knees
And started to cry.


The soldier awakened
And I heard a rough voice,
"Santa don't cry,
This life is my choice;

I fight for freedom,
I don't ask for more,
My life is my god,
My country, my corps."


The soldier rolled over
And drifted to sleep,
I couldn't control it,
I continued to weep.


I kept watch for hours,
So silent and still
And we both shivered
From the cold night's chill.


I didn't want to leave
On that cold, dark, night,
This guardian of honor
So willing to fight.

Then the soldier rolled over,
With a voice soft and pure,
Whispered, "carry on Santa,
It's christmas day, all is secure."


One look at my watch,
And I knew he was right.
"Merry christmas my friend,
And to all a good night."
I found the information on who wrote this, so it can be properly attributed to its author.
Please keep in mind that you do not need to believe in the war to support our troops! PLEASE, offer your moral support to all of our troops!



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